Tell it like it is.

Do try thinking.

Brothers and sisters I have seen the light. I have had the truth revealed to me and now I shall show you the way. Last night I had a vision, an angel of the lord came to me.

There I was lying in bed when I heard swearing from my from the front room. In trepidation, afraid it might be a burglar who would sue me if I was rude to him I grabbed my dressing gown and peeked my had round the door. Imagine my surprise when I saw George Carlin! He was holding up one of my shoes and cursing it. Then he looked up at me.

"Are you going to turn on the light kid? And seriously who leaves their shoes in the middle of the floor."

I turned on the light and stood there in shock and awe, he looked round wandered over to my drink cabinet and poured himself a glass of whisky. Then he sat down on the sofa and looked at me.

"What you gawping at kid? You seen a ghost of something?"

I found my voice and replied.

"Well yes actually, I thought you were dead." He grinned and took a sip of scotch.

"I am. Brace your self kiddo it gets worse." What could be worse than a dead man in my lounge I thought. "Turns out there is a God and it's got a job for you." Well yeah, that would do it. I sat on a chair looking at a dead comedian drink my whisky and felt my world collapse.

"Look kid, God is a bit pissed, apparently it's all part of being an omniversal hyper consciousness that's comprised of the interconnectedness of all things or something. I dunno, Bill tried to explain it to me before I cam down but I think he was stoned. Anyway it's tried to.."

"It?" I interrupted.

"Sure, you weren't expecting God to be a big beard in the sky were you? Even I knew that was bullshit when I was alive, and let me tell you I've learnt some weird shit since then. Anyway shut up and listen." I shut up and listened "Look, it doesn't have much time to deal with the mud ball. Heck I'm only doing this 'cause I thought it would really piss of the fundamentalists. It tried to get the message across a few times and then gave up on us. Anyway it thought it was worth another try. So here's the deal." He leaned forward.

"Stupid people are fuckwits." He leaned back.

"That's it? That's the whole religious revelation?"

"Yup. People who think they know the truth and aren't willing to learn new things are stupid. Mock them. It's fine, God says so. If you meet someone who is completely assured that they are right and they cannot be wrong. Especially if they think it's because God told them this then you can ignore them and their idiocy. It's that simple. Stupid people are fuckwits, mock them. Of course there is a catch."

I sat for a moment watching his face as he drank my whisky. My brain rushing his words through my mind. Then it dawned on me.

"In the end we are all stupid. About something."

"Yup." He grinned. "You're all fuckwits, but some of you try and make it better. Good luck kid." And then he, and my whisky, were gone.

So there you have it, I'm officially starting the "Church of the Revealed Fuckwit." I'll work out were our first service is as soon as I can be bothered. Sign up and you too can insult anyone you like and get away with it, because it's you deeply held religious belief, passed down from God too me via George Carlin, that we are all fuckwits. Would I lie to you?

Please note this is the second revision of the divine revelation as it was pointed out to me that only fuckwits call it Scotch.